Having such a negative response to this contraceptive implant has made me incredibly weary of taking any other form of primarily hormonal medication. I know I desperately need something to treat my depression and anxiety, to stop me wandering around in a fug, but I can’t face these side-effects. What if I get a medication that makes me more miserable? That gives me headaches? That makes me ill? There’s a particular drug called citalopram, and they seem to be doling out to all and sundry, and everyone I know has had an awful fucking reaction to it. I love that the side-effects for most anti-anxiety medications include anxiety. I love that the side-effects for most anti-depressants include suicidal thoughts. Why can’t I just be happy normally? Why can’t I just be ‘healthy’? Why do I hurt all the time? Why do I get migraines that make me blind, and stomach pains that cripple me? Why have I had a period for 3 months? Why do I cry all the time? Why can’t I sleep? Why do I have tumours on my ovaries? Why does my head hurt all the fucking time? Why am I always so tired, and so apathetic? Why do I get locked in this fast, loud place in my head and I can’t get myself out? I just want to be a normal person living a normal, healthy life. They say these drugs don’t make you ‘happy’ anyway, they just get you to a place where you can make yourself happy and then you come off of them. Well, I’ve tried making myself happy. I’ve tried everything. Diet and exercise and life style and motivational exercises and pep talks and family time and sex and there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing that brings me even the vaguest slither of happiness. I’m just bored, and tired, and unwell. That’s me.