i feel like my flatmate claims the living room. all i want to do is come home from work and chill out and he’s always playing videogames or dnd with a bunch of people, and i can’t do anything, i can’t watch telly, my only option is to either watch him do stuff or just go to my room, and i’m paying too much fucking money to not be able to use my own living room EVER.
i can’t wait to leave this house, but at the same time i don’t want to leave at all. this is such a small, safe space. i live with my flatmate and my boyfriend. and the idea of my boyfriend leaving horrifies me. he’s moving to london to start his career while i finish my degree, but the idea of staying in uni for a year without him is terrifying. who will i love? who will love me? who will look after me? who will make sure i eat and sleep and go to the doctors? who will phone nhs direct when i can’t move my neck in the morning, or make me tea when i’m sending production emails? who will kiss me and calm me down when i’m having an anxiety attack? i don’t think i can look after myself very well. i’m so frightened of being on my own.
i’m so worried my family hate me, or won’t forgive me for being so distant. i struggle calling them and keeping in contact because i don’t want to worry them with how down i am all the time. but then i get more down for feeling like such a shitty daughter/sister/granddaughter. i miss my family so much. i miss the smell of my house. i miss coming downstairs to find my sister watching tv at 7am having not slept. i miss sneaking out for a cigarette, heart pounding in case i’m caught. i miss the warm glow of my nanny and farvey’s house. i miss my nanny’s laugh and my farvey’s stories. i miss my dad’s soft voice. i miss my mum’s hugs. i miss my life. i miss my home. i miss going to mcdonalds with my family on a friday, for fuck’s sake. watching films together. i am so fed up. i haven’t been home for six months and it’s killing me.
i’m annoyed by my job. i don’t want to do shift runner training. i want my red shirt back. i want to go into work and spend 8 hours on a till, monotonous and safe and familiar and soul-destroying and then go home. i don’t like change, i don’t like making mistakes, i don’t want to be in a superior position to my friends, i never wanted to climb the hierarchy, but i desperately need the pay increase.
i’m not intelligent enough to get the grades on my course i want. i get the occasional first, but i’m paying too much money not to graduate with a first overall. i hate it.
i hate that i’m unfit, my body’s bulgy, my roots are showing, i’m getting spots, my diet’s poor, my money’s running out, and i don’t really feel like i have that many friends. i feel unsociable, and broken, and miserable, and just utterly down.